I am proof that there is no god.
Let's take a look at what Hell is. Hell is supposed to be the most unimaginable pain for perpetuity, and so far everyone seems to think that burning alive is the worst hell imaginable. I can imagine what burning alive feels like. It's pretty fucking brutal, but compared to my life in the last year, I'd welcome having a limb or two burned off while I was forced to remain conscious. Compared to my life in the last year, it would be like an annoying itch. I realize that this is pretty fucking dark. Like 15 feet up a cows ass at midnight kind of dark. But I really want to use words to help put this into perspective.
Let's pretend for a minute that the entire fucking world communicates almost exclusively with body language. No, wait, that's reality. Let's instead see if you can imagine what it would be like to have absolutely no comprehension of body language in real time. If you're extremely lucky, you might catch on an hour or two later, If you're me, you're lucky if you manage to process what it means a week, or a month later, but usually I don't see it at all, and it doesn't matter how much time I have to process it. In addition, your greatest dream in the whole fucking world is to be a social butterfly. All you want to do is be that person that everybody knows, and everybody approaches to say hello to. Not necessarily meaning the center of attention, but just social friendly. The one person you see, that no matter what you have to go over and say at least hi.
No matter what you do, what you say, how you say it, it doesn't matter. Nobody sticks around except your family, and sometimes not even them. There's no fucking drugs in the world that will help you make friends, unless you're dealing them. This is an avenue I won't consider.
In addition, when you don't get what people are saying 'without saying anything at all, just using body language that everyone on the fucking planet speaks except you...' it's entirely your fault because you don't understand. It's always your fault no matter what you say, or how much you attempt to explain how different you are from the rest of the inhabitants on the planet. People walk out of your life, because they can't deal with your inability to read between the lines. People walk out of your life because you can't hold down a job, people walk out of your life because you're broke, people walk out of your life because you can't maintain a schedule, people walk out of your life because your intelligence intimidates them, people walk out of your life because you struggle sometimes and shut down and even though you'll walk through the fires of hell for them, and make every sacrifice you can to show them that they mean the whole fucking world to you...
The few that stick around and befriend you, are awesome, but they die. Natural causes, cancer, alcohol related accidents, murdered in cold blood. In the last year alone I've lost 2 friends, and the way things are looking, I'm gonna lose another one by Christmas. As much as I've smoked in my life, I'm probably gonna die from cancer too, but honestly, cancer is going to be a cakewalk compared to my life.
Now if there was a god, why the fuck would he have permitted me to be made? What purpose does it serve to torment me with things that will be forever outside my reach? I'm not hitler reincarnated, because if there was a god, he'd have made that bastard walk through the shoes of every Jew he exterminated. If there is a god, I'll go to heaven even if I don't believe in him. Because at the pearly gates I'll kick the shit out of him, and he'll shrug it off and say, 'yeah, I deserved that.' Because no matter what the fuck happens to me as a person, I choose to be kind, I choose to be nice, I choose to be the kind of person that everyone wants to know and everyone wants to go out of their way to say hello to.
My life feels like a tiny flame of light in a dark room, and I'm running out of oxygen.
